(The Hit Hammer is where I'm reviewing each #1 song on the Billboard Hot 100. Starting from when the chart started in 1958 and eventually working my way to the present. To see my inspiration and more information about this blog, please CLICK HERE)
Paul Anka & Odia Coates - "(You're) Having My Baby"
Hit Number 1: August 24, 1974
Stay at Number 1: 3 Weeks
I have reviewed 335 #1 songs to this point, and I've been keeping at this since May of 2019. There have been some highs, and there have definitely been some lows. But I don't think there has been a song yet that I have dreaded to write about more than today's song. "(You're) Having My Baby" is a God awful, piece of crap that should have never been created, but that's not the only reason why I have dreaded the day of writing about this song. There's so much political bull crap that seems to tie its way into the backlash of this song. I can assure you all this: my reasons for hating "(You're) Having My Baby" have nothing to do with politics. If there's one thing I hate more than "(You're) Having My Baby", it's politics. So no matter what your views may be, I don't think I'll piss anyone off with this review. But of course, these days you never know. I'll say this, if you really like this song, I'd stop reading now.
Paul Anka is another one of those figures from the late '50s, early '60s that suddenly became popular again. This is that weird era where everyone was feeling nostalgic for that time, and old teen idols and other singers from that era were not only relevant again, but they were topping the charts again. Anka himself appeared in this blog way back when it was still just getting underway with 1959's "Lonely Boy", but he also had a huge hit on the Pre-Hot 100 with "Diana", a love song about a real life crush he had. ("Diana" would have been a 7) But just like a lot of his comrades, his career was derailed not only by him getting older, but also because of the British Invasion, which turned the music world upside down. Honestly, Paul Anka is one of the last singers you would expect to hit #1 in the mid-'70s, but he was able to do that with "Having My Baby", and what an unfortunate event that is.
Anka wrote this song as an ode to his wife and his four daughters. He was obviously a very happy family man, and the idea of writing a song about that is pretty neat, but his execution was poor, and that's a mild way of putting it. I'll explain to you all why this song is so damn terrible, and why so many people hate it. First I'll give the main reason people hate it: They think it's sexist. They think the guy in the song is full of himself and is just excited to have a baby without thinking about what the girl is going through. Notice how I'm not saying "we." I'm undecided on whether the song is truly sexist or not, and I can't say for certain considering I'm not a woman. I also don't wanna go down that path, cause it's too close to political stuff and that's not what this blog is about. No, my reason is that the song's lyrics and instrumentation is so damn cringe-inducing, it's hard to get through the damn thing. I mean: "The seed inside you baby can you feel it growing?" or "Didn't have to keep it/Wouldn't put you through it." Terrible lyrics! Not to mention I hate the phrase "having my baby." Like, isn't it both of yours? I can't get over that.
So, we established that the words suck, but now let's talk about Odia Coates. Coates is an unknown figure in music, and really the only thing she's associated with is this song. (Sucks for her) Anyway, the only reason she was in this song is cause she happened to be in the studio when Anka was ready to perform it. Anka already met Coates while on tour, and the two became friends so she was happy to perform on the thing. And Coates' delivery is another thing that bugs me. She sounds way too happy to be singing the lines: "I'm a woman in love and I love what it's doing to me." Again, 100% cringe material right there. Anka and Coates sound way too happy singing about what's going on inside Coates' character's insides, and the instrumentation backing them up sounds like some damn overly innocent nursery rhyme crap. I mean, I guess the song's about having a baby, but I can't take how sweet they all try to make it seem. You can't disguise those lyrics. There's nothing you can do to save them. But, I think trying to turn them into some sweet, pure words is the worst way they could have gone here. Again, you swung and missed Anka.
Ok, so, all things considered, having a baby is nothing I've gone through yet, but I can only imagine what it's like. Anka became a new father to four different girls, and I'm sure he was on Cloud Nine all four times, and rightfully so. But there are some cool things that happen in this world that still make for terrible songs. And well, the forming of a baby inside of a woman happens to be one of them. I never know who will end up reading these, so I try to keep the language halfway decent, but I'm breaking the rules for this one. "Having My Baby" is a first ballot inductee in the hall of shit. Not only is it the most cringe song I've covered so far (yes even more than "My Ding-a-Ling") but it starts all these stupid political discussions that we really need less of in this world. Whether they're justified or not, those talks need to go away forever. And so does "Having My Baby".
GRADE: 1/10
IN POP CULTURE:
As a sort of answer song to "(You're) Having My Baby", country artist Sunday Sharpe recorded "I'm Having Your Baby". It's equally as cringe, and the last thing anyone needed was a cover of the song. But I've got to put something in this spot, so here you go. Sorry.
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